Ring on chain on me

[mamagotcha]

Ring on chain on me
Originally uploaded by mamagotcha.

I'm wearing my sister's necklace, with my mother's wedding ring.

Today was a little easier. Wrote the bones of both the memorial and the
obituary. Found my mom's digital camera (with the last photos she ever
took) and ordered a scanner to help build the memorial. Took brownies to
the nurses at the hospital where she spent the last few weeks... if I
learned nothing else at my mother's knee, it was to always be good to
the nurses.

The more I go through her papers and belongings, the more justification
I've found for not being closer to her for the last few years; I've been
feeling the guilt and shame melting... I wasn't imagining things. And
yet... at the same time, the more I've learned about her challenges and
motivations, and the more I've wished I could have somehow overcome the
breech. Still... while I may wish things may have been different, I
don't feel regret... more wistful. Maybe this will change... once it
sinks in that she's really gone... but for now, I'm going to accept all
the grace I possibly can.

Another thought about guilt: being relieved that her ordeal is over does
not mean we are glad she's gone.

Comments

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Oy, the look on your face.

And YES to that final thought about guilt. I've seen too many people suffer greatly in their dying to have any doubt about that.

And I hope to hear more about the other stuff, with all the ellipses, when you're able to share. XX and OO!