Ring on chain on me

[mamagotcha]

Ring on chain on me
Originally uploaded by mamagotcha.

I'm wearing my sister's necklace, with my mother's wedding ring.

Today was a little easier. Wrote the bones of both the memorial and the
obituary. Found my mom's digital camera (with the last photos she ever
took) and ordered a scanner to help build the memorial. Took brownies to
the nurses at the hospital where she spent the last few weeks... if I
learned nothing else at my mother's knee, it was to always be good to
the nurses.

The more I go through her papers and belongings, the more justification
I've found for not being closer to her for the last few years; I've been
feeling the guilt and shame melting... I wasn't imagining things. And
yet... at the same time, the more I've learned about her challenges and
motivations, and the more I've wished I could have somehow overcome the
breech. Still... while I may wish things may have been different, I
don't feel regret... more wistful. Maybe this will change... once it
sinks in that she's really gone... but for now, I'm going to accept all
the grace I possibly can.

Another thought about guilt: being relieved that her ordeal is over does
not mean we are glad she's gone.

Comments

[zdamiana.livejournal.com]

Hi Katje,

So sorry about your loss. I'm going through something similar - my grandmother died last Wednesday evening. Her quality of life had become extremely poor, and it had been time for her to go for quite a while, but it is still so hard. And of course people and relationships are never simple things. People aren't perfect, and weren't always easy to get along with. It's still hard to lose them.

I've got my grandmother's ring on a chain around my neck right now, and have had a pretty similar look on my face at times over the last few days.

Thinking of you,
-Z

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

And that was the GOOD picture! :P

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. And yes yes yes about things not being simple.

We are the ringbearers.

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Oy, the look on your face.

And YES to that final thought about guilt. I've seen too many people suffer greatly in their dying to have any doubt about that.

And I hope to hear more about the other stuff, with all the ellipses, when you're able to share. XX and OO!

[roshismomma.livejournal.com]

"Another thought about guilt: being relieved that her ordeal is over does
not mean we are glad she's gone."

yes. so much I relate to this.

[uncanny-npl.livejournal.com]

"Another thought about guilt: being relieved that her ordeal is over does
not mean we are glad she's gone."

This hits home with me too, so very much.