It's not my life...
Jan. 19th, 2009 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mamagotchaEdited due to strange posting problems... hope it works this time.
I'm noticing a pattern here... I (or my sister) visit my mom and dad, my mom has a couple of "good days" and then needs a few days to recuperate, so we steer clear and return for another visit before flying out, then my mom goes incoherant and wobbly, and is taken to the ER, sometimes with dehydration, sometimes (as in today's episode) with a massive UTI.
I won't list all their problems. But it's a horrible situation that was better when Julia was living here, and has deteriorated back to horrible. I met with the hospital's caseworker when my mom was released, and after an hour of history and discussion, she came to pretty much the same conclusion that my sister and I did a few years ago... we can't fix anything or even help out unless it's their idea, and otherwise, we have to emotionally detach as much as possible.
I can tell they wanted Clay to come fill Julia's place here, and he's not down with that plan, understandably. (By the way, he's gotten much better, and has been terrific with Linc all day while I've been at the hospital and getting my mom settled back in.)
My sister is coming out for a few days, thank Maud (my mom called for both of my siblings to fly in this morning, when she thought she was dying... now she denies she ever said that. My brother could cancel his flight, but my sister couldn't, so she's going to come out and have a quick visit with me here. I'll give Clay my ticket home Thursday, and let Linc fly home with him, and go back myself on Sunday.)
It's so hard to bite back saying what I think they should be doing, and just be here on their terms: cook and clean and fetch and carry, mop up urine, move furniture, make Linc be quiet, play with their dog, fix my mom's knitting, whatever I can do while I'm here.
A while back, I had offered to move near Petaluma while Bill was working on his job search. They laughed it off at the time, but now I'm wondering if they're going to ask me to do it. And I don't know if I could, now. They need a lot more than I can provide, and they aren't willing to be flexible about how things are done or where they live (they refuse to consider moving closer to us, and with Bill's job so up in the air, the point is moot, really).
Argh. Nothing really of substance in this post, just a lot of whinging. Just... I must remember, it's not weak to accept help when you need it. If you wave it away for too long, then when you finally decide to seek it, it might not be so easy to come by (and a LOT harder for others to give it). Strength is not the same thing as denial.
I'm noticing a pattern here... I (or my sister) visit my mom and dad, my mom has a couple of "good days" and then needs a few days to recuperate, so we steer clear and return for another visit before flying out, then my mom goes incoherant and wobbly, and is taken to the ER, sometimes with dehydration, sometimes (as in today's episode) with a massive UTI.
I won't list all their problems. But it's a horrible situation that was better when Julia was living here, and has deteriorated back to horrible. I met with the hospital's caseworker when my mom was released, and after an hour of history and discussion, she came to pretty much the same conclusion that my sister and I did a few years ago... we can't fix anything or even help out unless it's their idea, and otherwise, we have to emotionally detach as much as possible.
I can tell they wanted Clay to come fill Julia's place here, and he's not down with that plan, understandably. (By the way, he's gotten much better, and has been terrific with Linc all day while I've been at the hospital and getting my mom settled back in.)
My sister is coming out for a few days, thank Maud (my mom called for both of my siblings to fly in this morning, when she thought she was dying... now she denies she ever said that. My brother could cancel his flight, but my sister couldn't, so she's going to come out and have a quick visit with me here. I'll give Clay my ticket home Thursday, and let Linc fly home with him, and go back myself on Sunday.)
It's so hard to bite back saying what I think they should be doing, and just be here on their terms: cook and clean and fetch and carry, mop up urine, move furniture, make Linc be quiet, play with their dog, fix my mom's knitting, whatever I can do while I'm here.
A while back, I had offered to move near Petaluma while Bill was working on his job search. They laughed it off at the time, but now I'm wondering if they're going to ask me to do it. And I don't know if I could, now. They need a lot more than I can provide, and they aren't willing to be flexible about how things are done or where they live (they refuse to consider moving closer to us, and with Bill's job so up in the air, the point is moot, really).
Argh. Nothing really of substance in this post, just a lot of whinging. Just... I must remember, it's not weak to accept help when you need it. If you wave it away for too long, then when you finally decide to seek it, it might not be so easy to come by (and a LOT harder for others to give it). Strength is not the same thing as denial.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-20 10:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-20 12:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-20 02:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-20 02:42 pm (UTC)Which is exactly what I'd be doing in this situation which sounds so hard. Ug.
I can totally see this happening to me in 10 to 20 years...my stubborn mom and her even more stubborn husband...the issues have already started as he has parkinson's... ug.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-20 05:27 pm (UTC)I think that you probably should not move to take care of your parents. I think that primarily because it is not a really good place for Lincoln to be - at times it has been unsafe, and when its better than that it is still not an environment that allows a child to thrive.
But i also think that asking yourself to do as much as they need, even if you are living close, would be very bad for your mental and physical health. It is a REALLY hard job.
I don't know about in CA, but in NY there were a lot of services available to help the elderly - with different cost structures. It seems like it may be a good idea to see if they can get an aid to come in regularly to help with the chores and make sure they are getting along alright.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-21 03:50 am (UTC)