Navelgazing

[mamagotcha]

I love what feminism has done for my generation. But I wish it had been able to do it without instilling huge doses of guilt for choosing to raise my kids at home, enjoying cooking and baking, and being interested in handwork. Despite my belief that I have made the best choices for me and my family, I am coming to the conclusion that I am going to feel guilty twinges for the rest of my life. As we know better, we do better: the freedom to choose a certain path does not equal disdain for those who choose differently.

I know that this phenomenon (feeling judged and defensive) crops up when one is ambivalent or insecure about one's own choices. I've seen it so many times... my decision to homebirth or homeschool or breastfeed makes some other moms feel like they MUST shoot down my choices in order to bolster their own positions. It's been hard to learn that I don't need to take those attacks personally. But when I'm attacking myself for my own choices? Not so easy to deflect anymore.

I value all those things when others do them. It's my own situation that my tapes seem to sneer at, over and over. I wish I could get over it already.

And apropos of nothing: welcome back, LJ! Still working out how G+ is going to fit into the mix, but I think I still like LJ's format. I wish the spammers would knock it off already, but other than that... glad to be back!

Comments

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've made a whole lot of stereotypically feminine decisions about my life--actually, what with the budding science career, having a motorcycle license, and being the breadwinner for my household, it's pretty much the opposite--but I feel this sometimes with regards to preference. I feel like I should be interested in math and video games and sports, because if I'm not, then I'm just supporting the prejudices of people who think women can't be interested in or good at those things.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Hah. I guess we're still trying to find the balance point... if there is even such a thing!

[jedusor.livejournal.com]

The problem is, no matter how hard we try to establish ourselves as individuals, we represent our gender.

[mh75.livejournal.com]

Well, FWIW, i used to be a punk-rock engine-fixin' engineer. I played in hot-oil-spewing rigs with a bunch of ex-army guys. I went to school in a class of 80% males, i talked shit with the chauvinists in the 100% male CS class (and programmed their butts off), i work(ed) in a lab that is mostly old-guys, and supported our house-hold for a while when J was out of work.

Look at me now.

I think you're doing ok - you are a stronger individual than most.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Third wave feminism is so much nicer than second wave feminism about this. Every kind of work that women do should be respected, I think - and yet, I don't think there's a mother I've ever met who doesn't feel guilt that she's doing it wrong. I think that's something the patriarchy teaches us...it's not enough to make your family happy and be happy yourself; you also have to help keep everyone else in line. Blech. Good for you, following your path, and just kick those brain weasels when they pop up.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Oh, I do kick 'em, right across the room! I just get annoyed that, even decades after I consciously made those choices, they're still popping up. The little shits!

[mh75.livejournal.com]

I wish you could read the reply i just posted to my friend Courtney. Even while i believe, and have made choices to support, that i should be home with my kids right now, it irritates me to no end that i'm not also working.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I did all that *and* ran a local NOW chapter for several years, as well as serving as a legislative rep for the state chapter. I think all those years of being unapologetic about, omg, Not Working Outside the Home, and standing up to the few women who decided they could sneer at me for it, served my psyche well. I wish I could delve into yours and shoo that guilt right the hell on out of there.

I'd make this a longer answer, but I'm supposed to be at the gym right now, and I've been putting it off long enough :) (a "don't wanna" day!).

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Just hearing your story helps. We'll just keep on keepin' on, and trust that the kids are all right.