On mood-altering meds

[mamagotcha]

I used up most of my last bottle of Provigil in the week before my mother's memorial service, June 22. I haven't refilled the prescription in months; I was just using it rarely to help me through a day where I'd had no sleep the night before and needed to drive or deal with other people's kids or some other challenge. I used it every day for that last week in California... it saved my life, and probably a few other lives as well. When I got home, I was down to three pills, and decided to put them away for now and save them for an emotionally rainy day.

A month later, I was facing the flight up to Chicago and the stress of finding a place for us to live within a set of pretty strict parameters. I was also feeling thrashed and like I hadn't really recovered from my mom's death (well, I know that's going to take time; I don't feel bad that it's taking a while, but on the other hand it's not very convenient right now, either). I was missing appointments, crying a lot, descending into rage for relatively minor things... I was worried that I was falling into a depression.

The glitch is that we're currently in kind of a health insurance limbo. The coverage from Bill's old job quit when they moved him onto consultant status at the beginning of July, and the new job's insurance starts in September when he officially begins to teach. The old job did give us enough to pay for COBRA coverage, but we wanted to try to see if we could get through these two months without buying COBRA so we could use that money to help us move (paying rent on two places at once, the deposit on the new place, my scouting trip to Chicago, the moving truck... about six grand all told, and that's on top of our regular expenses. Hey, let's add unexpected vet bills to the pile!).

So I felt kind of pressured (NOT by Bill, I must insist, but by our circumstances) to see if I could get through these months without any huge medical expenses. Fortunately, if something big comes up, COBRA can be enrolled in retroactively, so we ARE covered. But if we could hold off... well, it would help us get over the hump.

I asked my doctor if I could just buy some Provigil and Paxil out of pocket. The Paxil was relatively cheap -- I think it was $34 for a month's worth -- so I said sure, let's get that going and see if it helps with the depression symptoms. The Provigil was a little more of a problem; I asked for ten day's worth of them (at the 200mg -- and more expensive -- dose; the 100 didn't do much for me), and it was well over $100. I figured I'd just use them for the harder days, and go on the Paxil to cover the basic blues.

I took the Paxil the day before I left for Chicago, and on the first day there. Both days were full of nausea and headaches, and I needed to be ON for that trip, so I decided to stop those for the moment, and just dip into my tiny stash of Provigil until I got home. Well, ALL my symptoms disappeared as soon as I took the Provigil (and I also had a period starting the day I got there, which could have meant that a bunch of my problems were hormonal... perimenopausal PMS is a BITCH).

So... it's pretty clear to me that I need to keep on the Provigil for now, at least to get me through the move. Hey, look... I'm not the first person to think of using Provigil as an anti-depressant. My problem? Feeling guilty about using our family's limited resources to buy happy pills. Bill DID try to explain the health insurance situation to me before it lapsed, and so if I'd thought the thing through, I COULD have loaded up on the stupid pills BEFORE it ended. But it just totally did not sink in... well, to be fair, I WAS dealing with my mom's death and not thinking about the future at all. Still, it's plain to see that it's my own damned fault for not stocking up ahead of time, and the whole "made your bed, lie in it" mentality is making me feel like I should try to tough it out instead of spending more money on this.

I think we will go ahead and get more... I can't even imagine finishing packing up the house feeling the way I do without the Provigil, and I know I'm a much more pleasant person to have around when I'm on it. There's just a stupid little voice in my head, saying things like "If you were healthy... if you weren't so fat... if you only planned ahead... you could deal with this without medication. You wouldn't be in this financial bind. You're broken, you're stupid, you're disorganized and lazy and a bad mom and a rotten friend and a mean wife and let's not forget the worst dog owner in the world. What a waste of money, just to get you jolly pills."

I guess I'm not really looking for advice... just sort of hoping that by writing this out, I can bolster myself, give a little validation to my sense that this really IS a hard year, that ANYONE, even Martha Stewart or Oprah Winfrey or Michelle Obama or freakin' Mother Theresa would have a rough time with the year we've been having, and that spending a few bucks on a medication that helps me cope doesn't mean I'm going to be on it the rest of my life, or that I'm excessively selfish for spending money on it.

Comments

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

paxil will make you nauseated and headachy for the first week or so. after that, for me, it stopped doing that. it's not an instant on sort of thing-- you take a week to acclimatize, and then some amount of time after (a few weeks, possibly?) and then you start seeing the effects. my i am not a doctor and do not even play one on tv advice would be to get more provigil and to start taking the paxil also, so you can get through the acclimatization now rather than later. a few hundred dollars of provigil is way cheaper than six grand of cobra coverage.

this sounds like it's been a pretty awful year for you. it'll get better.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

I've been on it twice before, both times during and after pretty stressful situations, so that part's not unfamiliar. I'm going to definitely talk to my doc about this all and see what she thinks.

Love that icon! I keep forgetting that I loaded in a couple for me to use... here's one of 'em.

[lemurtanis.livejournal.com]

Doing what you need to do, both to function and to give yourself some care, is both good and necessary, in my opinion. Keep your spirits up.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I appreciate it! And we're gonna have lots of crash space there... hint hint!

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

a) I'm pretty sure that Provigil is one of the meds Bean takes, and hers are all about anti-depression.

b) Did you know that part of the whole stimulus thing was a substantial subsidy of COBRA costs? (As in, 2/3 of the cost is subsidized. Bean and I would be in really bad shape right now if that weren't so.) The COBRA company should have the details.

c) here is much, much validation. It's been a hard year for the whole country (world) and an extra hard year for you. A crutch is an assistance, not a sentence, okay?

[mh75.livejournal.com]

A crutch is an assistance, not a sentence, okay?

!! yes !!

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Heh, I said something very similar to Bill the morning I called my doc about the scrips. So true!

[mh75.livejournal.com]

Lets look at a list of stressful things in life:
death of a family member
new job
moving to a new city
- those are ALL major major stressers, and you're dealing with multiples at once. You certainly should recognize that it is a tough year for you. Everyone makes little stumbles now and then, and i think a miscalculation of how much medication you needed when you were looking at a life in flux and using all of your mental energy to deal with some more immediate is extremely excusable.

Anyway, i don't think that treating an illness is selfish. You have an illness - whether you think it is a temporary hormonal imbalance or a psychiatric illness (depression) it is still an illness. It is far more selfish to stand around and self-flagellate, putting more stress and demands on your husband (also a stressful year for him, mind you), and on your small child, than it is to do the work necessary to get yourself into a better place.

Did you know that kids with parents who suffer from depression are far more likely to fight depression during their lives? Did you know that even short term post-partem depression has this effect, and the longer it goes untreated the more of an effect it is? If you don't feel like you should spend money on yourself, then spend money on Lincoln, in the from of medication to help you cope with what is an astronomically difficult time. You can even let it fall under the category of 'one more chore for you to manage', because self-care is one of the most important responsibilities that we have, and also that we try to teach our children.

(Do you read Dooce? If you go through and read some of her posts on depression i think she expresses some of these thoughts a lot more eloquently than i will ever be able to.)

Hang in there Katje - treat yourself well, and trust that the joy and love and support you bring to your family is worth far more than the cost of some medication. They do not begrudge you, please don't begrudge yourself. After such a difficult time i think you deserve some way to make life easier between now and when life (hopefully) calms down some.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Megan. I know most of that stuff; it's good to be reminded.

I do love those little lists! The year we got married was another doozy, and we survived that one (the miscarriage, selling the Davis house, buying the KC house, moving into an apartment between 'em because I was getting sued for custody by Jeff, Bill's PhD and graduation, my broken arm, my first -- and hopefully only -- panic attack, replacing the roof/wiring/plumbing in the new house, and then getting pregnant again with Linc at the end of it all).

The other thing that happened this year was losing my van, which might not sound like a big deal to most people, but I swear it's been like losing an arm. It's not just the limitation of our transportation options (although that's a big part of it), it was a constant and safe little space that went with me wherever I went, comfortable and reliable and, well, part of me. It's been really hard not having it, harder than I thought it would be (and I knew it was gonna be hard right when it happened). I feel a little shallow and materialistic, being so attached to something like that, but heck... some people have a security blankie, I guess I had my security van.

I think Bill gets this, too, and once we get settled in Chicago, I think we're gonna sit down and work out how the money is going to work out so we can pay for the house, keep paying down debt, and sock away enough for a down and monthly payment on another vehicle for me. Oh, and eat.

[mh75.livejournal.com]

My mom always had a Ford van while we were growing up, with a bed in the back. I think it was her safety net. Almost all of our vacations were taken in that van - my parents slept in it and we got a tent. But when my mom hit her wall at home, she'd also retreat to the van. It was definitely more than transportation for her.

Josh and i are working on a more rigorous financial plan, too, in the hopes that we can live on less, save more, etc. Its hard, but i'm hopeful.

You are doing a good job. Hang in there.

[essaying.livejournal.com]

Are you buying it from Canada? You can save about a third that way. My insurance didn't cover it when I was taking it, so I always ordered mine from Canada. And reading your post, I'm thinking that it may be time to get a new prescription; I haven't taken it in months, but given my stress levels right now I think I might want it again.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

I was only getting a few on very short notice, so I just went to the corner drug store. Canada might be an option; I've got nine left, wonder if they can ship speedily? I'll look online. Do you have a source?

[genderfur.livejournal.com]

Do you belong to Costco? They have pharmacies and the out-of-pocket cost is often lower for members (no matter how much some clerks say it's not true).

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I'll check into that. We are indeed members. Thank you!

[essaying.livejournal.com]

I can't remember the one that I used to order the Provigil from, but I order E's Lyrica from 514-352-3788.

[uncanny-npl.livejournal.com]

What wonderful friends you have! They're really supportive--plus they *know* stuff. Nice combination. I'll just add my own "I hear you" and "Hang in there" and a double dose of "Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself" to all the great things they're telling you. You have, indeed, had a *very* hard year, and if you can deal with your many stresses better by taking Paxil and/or Provigil, and if their side effects and long-term effects(which you seem to have informed yourself about)aren't deal-breakers, well, then, I can't think why you should feel any pangs about taking them, even if they are a little pricey right now.

On a side note, I'm really glad you write about things like this, because you're a great mirror for me--your issues are often so similar to mine. And it's always so clear and easy to tell you that you deserve the best, which makes it suddenly seem sensible and helpful to tell myself that too. Thank you for that.

[mamagotcha.livejournal.com]

Well, THAT was an unexpected silver lining! If something I write improves the life of someone I admire and appreciate as much as you, then it's worth the effort indeed.

And yes, I DO have the most incredible friends. Not quite sure how I lucked out like that, but I am so grateful. I don't know what I'd've done without all my virtual hand-holders these last few years. Thank YOU for being one of them!

[uncanny-npl.livejournal.com]

"Not quite sure how I lucked out like that.."

Somehow I doubt luck had anything to do with it.