On forcing kids
Mar. 21st, 2006 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mamagotchaSo generally I do my best to practice a respectful version of parenting. I try not to set up situations that will wind up with draconian results.
For instance, my siblings and I often were made to sit, alone, at a dinner table, for refusing to eat the serving of mushy broccoli we were given. Sometimes it would be wrapped up and given back to us for breakfast, a procedure that did not improve upon the original presentation.
I hated doing dishes. Once, I ran away from home to avoid a beating with a belt because I refused to wash a sinkful of dinner dishes. The repercussions from that incident assured my parents that I wouldn't shirk that duty again, and set up my lifelong hatred of the task.
To avoid such battles, I've attempted several things with my kids. For instance, with food, I've learned HOW to cook foods (for broccoli: gentle, quick steaming, so that it's still crisp but not hard, bright green and not faded, sometimes with a sharp cheddar sauce on hand), and two, I've set up the following rules: each kid must at least taste a new thing once, each kid can serve themselves, and each kid must eat what s/he has served himself.
The kids are pretty good about following these rules, and what I find interesting, they are also quite good at informing/reminding guests about them, too (we have one young fellow who insists on loading his plate and then decides that he's full).
Well, this wasn't supposed to be a discussion about food... but rather, a way to illustrate a way that I've tried to keep dictatorship out of the family dynamic.
However, today as I wrestled with Link trying to get a smidge of tapioca pudding between his lips, I reflected on the fact that once in a while I do indeed force my kids to do things.
Now that I've cleaned up the remaining pudding bits off my clothes (he ate an entire bowl once I got him to taste it, after hours of him refusing everything we offered), I pondered on some other times I've pushed my kids to do something when they've adamantly refused.
It's a parental move that I use very rarely... partly because I want to trust the kids' own judgement about what they want and need, partly because I'm afraid that I'll be wrong and they'll hate it, and partly because it's SUCH an effort to overrule them, either physically (as in the case of Link's breakfast), or mentally.
Cordell was in sort of a funk a few years ago, after we moved here. I understood that such a huge change was bound to cause some unhappiness, but he wasn't shaking it off. He tried a few semesters of college classes, playing on a competitive soccer team, and just zoning. He dropped the classes, quit the team, and got really good at the zoning.
Julia had been very much enjoying a homeschooling Japanese class, and we tried to get Cord to tag along for a session. No way, no how, uh-uh. He dug his heels in, wouldn't even visit the house. Finally, one day, I pretty much picked him up by the scruff of the neck and dragged him the two blocks to the class, with him squirming and whining and arguing the whole time. But...
He loved it. He loves it so much that he studies on his own, that he arranged outside practice sessions with other students, that he dragged me the the big Japanese culture fest (both days) at KU, that he is now planning to spend the summer and possibly longer in Japan. We have to listen to all our Miyazake movies in Japanese, we hear the arguments between "sub-boys" and "dub-boys," we buy him games that are only published in Japanese ("Ossu! Tatake! Oendan!" is about a gang of Matrix-costumed male cheerleaders who roam Tokyo, cheering on potters and racehorses and teachers... I am not making this up)...
And while it's possible that he might have gotten here without my kicking his ass down the street, I doubt it would have been before we moved away and thus would have been a long commute.
I've also dragged him into his current job situation. Julia, now, if I've ever pushed her into anything I can't remember it... but if I can explain my motivations to her, she mostly goes along with what I want her to do. Not always with a cheery smile on her face, but she does usually understand and cooperate. But I'm sure I've pushed her at times that she'd rather I'd laid off... oh, wait.
She's got the SAT I coming up in just under two weeks. Last week she had spring vacation, and listening to her about how much she wants to get into Reed, I thought she'd be cramming with the SAT book she bought. But no. If she cracked it all week, I never saw her (and it didn't move from the place it had been tossed the week before...). I mentioned it twice, once on Monday and again on Tuesday, and she blew up. I backed off, but I wish I'd found a way to encourage her. She studies really well, and tests well when she studies (she just called me to say she nailed her math test, 106%). If she'd pushed herself last week, she'd really pump up those SAT scores. I think perhaps she doesn't quite get how much they count in today's college application process...
Still, I backed off. My instinct was otherwise but she's not as easy to push as the boys are. And it's not as timely... she can take it over again next year. Another thing I've learned: you choose your battles.
So, sometimes I do push the kids and force my will on them. It's relatively rare, and it's hard for me to do. I've been criticized for not doing it more.
Was it the right way to go? I guess only the kids' therapists will know for sure.
For instance, my siblings and I often were made to sit, alone, at a dinner table, for refusing to eat the serving of mushy broccoli we were given. Sometimes it would be wrapped up and given back to us for breakfast, a procedure that did not improve upon the original presentation.
I hated doing dishes. Once, I ran away from home to avoid a beating with a belt because I refused to wash a sinkful of dinner dishes. The repercussions from that incident assured my parents that I wouldn't shirk that duty again, and set up my lifelong hatred of the task.
To avoid such battles, I've attempted several things with my kids. For instance, with food, I've learned HOW to cook foods (for broccoli: gentle, quick steaming, so that it's still crisp but not hard, bright green and not faded, sometimes with a sharp cheddar sauce on hand), and two, I've set up the following rules: each kid must at least taste a new thing once, each kid can serve themselves, and each kid must eat what s/he has served himself.
The kids are pretty good about following these rules, and what I find interesting, they are also quite good at informing/reminding guests about them, too (we have one young fellow who insists on loading his plate and then decides that he's full).
Well, this wasn't supposed to be a discussion about food... but rather, a way to illustrate a way that I've tried to keep dictatorship out of the family dynamic.
However, today as I wrestled with Link trying to get a smidge of tapioca pudding between his lips, I reflected on the fact that once in a while I do indeed force my kids to do things.
Now that I've cleaned up the remaining pudding bits off my clothes (he ate an entire bowl once I got him to taste it, after hours of him refusing everything we offered), I pondered on some other times I've pushed my kids to do something when they've adamantly refused.
It's a parental move that I use very rarely... partly because I want to trust the kids' own judgement about what they want and need, partly because I'm afraid that I'll be wrong and they'll hate it, and partly because it's SUCH an effort to overrule them, either physically (as in the case of Link's breakfast), or mentally.
Cordell was in sort of a funk a few years ago, after we moved here. I understood that such a huge change was bound to cause some unhappiness, but he wasn't shaking it off. He tried a few semesters of college classes, playing on a competitive soccer team, and just zoning. He dropped the classes, quit the team, and got really good at the zoning.
Julia had been very much enjoying a homeschooling Japanese class, and we tried to get Cord to tag along for a session. No way, no how, uh-uh. He dug his heels in, wouldn't even visit the house. Finally, one day, I pretty much picked him up by the scruff of the neck and dragged him the two blocks to the class, with him squirming and whining and arguing the whole time. But...
He loved it. He loves it so much that he studies on his own, that he arranged outside practice sessions with other students, that he dragged me the the big Japanese culture fest (both days) at KU, that he is now planning to spend the summer and possibly longer in Japan. We have to listen to all our Miyazake movies in Japanese, we hear the arguments between "sub-boys" and "dub-boys," we buy him games that are only published in Japanese ("Ossu! Tatake! Oendan!" is about a gang of Matrix-costumed male cheerleaders who roam Tokyo, cheering on potters and racehorses and teachers... I am not making this up)...
And while it's possible that he might have gotten here without my kicking his ass down the street, I doubt it would have been before we moved away and thus would have been a long commute.
I've also dragged him into his current job situation. Julia, now, if I've ever pushed her into anything I can't remember it... but if I can explain my motivations to her, she mostly goes along with what I want her to do. Not always with a cheery smile on her face, but she does usually understand and cooperate. But I'm sure I've pushed her at times that she'd rather I'd laid off... oh, wait.
She's got the SAT I coming up in just under two weeks. Last week she had spring vacation, and listening to her about how much she wants to get into Reed, I thought she'd be cramming with the SAT book she bought. But no. If she cracked it all week, I never saw her (and it didn't move from the place it had been tossed the week before...). I mentioned it twice, once on Monday and again on Tuesday, and she blew up. I backed off, but I wish I'd found a way to encourage her. She studies really well, and tests well when she studies (she just called me to say she nailed her math test, 106%). If she'd pushed herself last week, she'd really pump up those SAT scores. I think perhaps she doesn't quite get how much they count in today's college application process...
Still, I backed off. My instinct was otherwise but she's not as easy to push as the boys are. And it's not as timely... she can take it over again next year. Another thing I've learned: you choose your battles.
So, sometimes I do push the kids and force my will on them. It's relatively rare, and it's hard for me to do. I've been criticized for not doing it more.
Was it the right way to go? I guess only the kids' therapists will know for sure.