I enjoyed reading your thoughts and when I reached the end, I was startled to read Clay was 16+. I don't know your family and expected to read an age of 8 or 9. In fact, I thought you were talking about Linc and, at first, was very impressed that a six-year-old was being allowed to work hard and face real danger, because the planet can be very dangerous and I think it is imperative that children know that. It helps the developing child learn an important fact of life: We are not all-powerful or all-important. And then it turns out that it is a teen, not Linc, who is going on this trip and yet I had the same reaction (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing out this long, long comment.)
You see, Katje, I think one of our biggest cultural problems is the infantilization of our teens. Sixteen? Clay is basically an adult now, an adult minus a lot of experience. How great for him that he will work hard, be away from his parent/s, and do something that is great because it requires him to be part of a team and be an adult.
If we don't start trusting our teens (meaning trusting that we, the parent/s, have done a good enough job teaching our youngsters how to be an adult) that teenager and twenty-somethings become just what we are seeing so frequently these days in America: lazy, dependent, rebellious, nasty, and drunk/addicted. When I imagine a 16-year-old just one hundred years ago, our current approach is failing miserably. In the very briefest of expression, in 1910, that teen could be working on a family farm, maybe be married, and a parent themselves, at least here in America. In other cultures around the world, it was equally the case... or more.
I am not talking about abuse here. I am talking of expectations in our primarily agrarian population. It was normal for children to be given serious responsibility very early on. It was expected that they could be relied on to do complex and difficult things. A family worked together to keep body and soul together. Child abuse is a different discussion. Here I am speaking of how a huge part of our then agrarian culture functioned.
In my home, I found that my kids were excited to be given responsibilities that were a hard for them to execute at first. I didn't have to yell or give a consequence if the task was not done perfectly (or at all) because I knew it was something that was too hard for them and I didn't give consequences anyway. (I did yell. I was not perfect as a parent.) Instead, a lot of what my kids did was at their request and so it was kind of a game. They loved trying to reach the goal. There was lots of, "No, I can do it myself," or "Is that right?" as they figures something out but they kept trying until they got it. I did not give them much help but if they wanted help or a boost, I was there.
Also, for me, it was one thing to expect that they might be able to cook scrambled eggs at age four or five, for instance, and another thing to expect them to keep their things in their bedroom at that age. The first was a challenge, the second, completely doable and necessary so I didn't go nuts. Both tasks were of help to the family as a whole. Anyway, I find it kind of shocking that Americans spank babies for crying but won't allow a ten-year-old to light a match. What is that? (And the spanking thing is a whole other discussion also that I'm not going into here. I hate that kids are punished for being kids.)
END PART ONE (LiveJournal says my post is too long, so I've broken it into two parts. Part Two next.
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Modern Culture and Teenagers
Date: 2010-06-15 05:24 pm (UTC)You see, Katje, I think one of our biggest cultural problems is the infantilization of our teens. Sixteen? Clay is basically an adult now, an adult minus a lot of experience. How great for him that he will work hard, be away from his parent/s, and do something that is great because it requires him to be part of a team and be an adult.
If we don't start trusting our teens (meaning trusting that we, the parent/s, have done a good enough job teaching our youngsters how to be an adult) that teenager and twenty-somethings become just what we are seeing so frequently these days in America: lazy, dependent, rebellious, nasty, and drunk/addicted. When I imagine a 16-year-old just one hundred years ago, our current approach is failing miserably. In the very briefest of expression, in 1910, that teen could be working on a family farm, maybe be married, and a parent themselves, at least here in America. In other cultures around the world, it was equally the case... or more.
I am not talking about abuse here. I am talking of expectations in our primarily agrarian population. It was normal for children to be given serious responsibility very early on. It was expected that they could be relied on to do complex and difficult things. A family worked together to keep body and soul together. Child abuse is a different discussion. Here I am speaking of how a huge part of our then agrarian culture functioned.
In my home, I found that my kids were excited to be given responsibilities that were a hard for them to execute at first. I didn't have to yell or give a consequence if the task was not done perfectly (or at all) because I knew it was something that was too hard for them and I didn't give consequences anyway. (I did yell. I was not perfect as a parent.) Instead, a lot of what my kids did was at their request and so it was kind of a game. They loved trying to reach the goal. There was lots of, "No, I can do it myself," or "Is that right?" as they figures something out but they kept trying until they got it. I did not give them much help but if they wanted help or a boost, I was there.
Also, for me, it was one thing to expect that they might be able to cook scrambled eggs at age four or five, for instance, and another thing to expect them to keep their things in their bedroom at that age. The first was a challenge, the second, completely doable and necessary so I didn't go nuts. Both tasks were of help to the family as a whole. Anyway, I find it kind of shocking that Americans spank babies for crying but won't allow a ten-year-old to light a match. What is that? (And the spanking thing is a whole other discussion also that I'm not going into here. I hate that kids are punished for being kids.)
END PART ONE (LiveJournal says my post is too long, so I've broken it into two parts. Part Two next.