Interesting article on relationships

[mamagotcha]

I found myself nodding and agreeing out loud to several parts of this article on "Why Marriages Fail." So I thought I'd share it with you all, and see if you have any reactions.

I think that, due to some loving ass-kicking by several dear friends after my first marriage ended, along with just being incredibly lucky to land an amazing person for a partner for my second, I learned a lot about how NOT to be a rotten spouse. We'll celebrate ten years of Bob this fall... we must be doing something right.

Thanks to klwalton for the link.

Comments

[uncanny-npl.livejournal.com]

"Ten years of Bob"--it sounds cozy, and I don't even know the guy!

I have "twenty-three years of Henry" coming up in August, and that doesn't include the five years we lived together before getting married.

We married for a lot of wrong reasons, and a few right ones (which I'll get to in a minute). One thing in the article that hit home with me is the idea that many women (and some men) are afraid *not* to be married, at least after a certain age. Henry and I were 27 when we got married, which to me felt like a over-ripe old age. (Ridiculous, I know.) Plus, while he at least had plans for his future--get the Ph.D, get a job teaching college English--I really had nothing in mind at all, except that I wanted, one way or another, to keep writing. (I hadn't even planned to go to *college* until my high school counselor gave me such a dropped-jawed look that I realized I was simply *expected* to go.) I ended up getting a B.A., an M.A., and part of a Ph.D just because Henry was still going to school, too, and I figured I might as well tag along. (I'm pretty sure I'd have a Ph.D too now if Virginia Tech hadn't offered me a teaching job in the middle of it all. Hell, I'd probably *still* be in school if not for that, plus the babies.)

I won't go into all the details here, but the first seventeen years or so of our marriage were pretty awful. It took me a long long time to realize both that I didn't have to tolerate his tacit dissatisfaction with not exactly "me" but sort of with the *idea* of me (I usually summarize the situation by saying that he thought of me as his "first wife"), and also that it wasn't reasonable to think that he should be the one fulfilling all my endless longing for love, affirmation, etc. Finally, on the verge of calling an end to the thing, I took charge of myself, which kind of forced him both to take charge of himself and to stop taking me for granted. We did a *lot* of hard work together, with the help of a blessedly smart couples therapist, and we came out of it scathed but reborn. (Not that everything's perfect now--just that we're partners, a team, a really great couple. Till death do us part, so far as anyone can see from here.)

Luckily we still had those "right reasons" for getting married that we'd started with. We're best friends--he's as close to a "soulmate" as I've ever had, or felt the potential of having, in any other man. All the more so because we've been, almost literally, through hell together.

So life's good, and your article reminded me of that, as well as of the pitfalls we still have to watch out for. That line about couples who don't fight eventually not having sex either--that cut me to the quick, I'll tell you. I'll simply have to start picking more fights with him, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. There's a line in "My Dinner with Andre"--haven't seen that movie since it first came out (alas), so I can't remember how the line goes, exactly--where Andre says that while a lot of people think it a challenge or thrill or adventure to meet a new person and explore the risks and possibilities involved, he thinks the biggest adventure of all is living with one person over an entire lifetime. All the changes you both go through, the symbioses and the conflicts, the deep acceptance you have to reach, the colossal vulnerability of being that well *known* by someone else. (Hmm, not sure if *he* said all this, or if I'm adding stuff. Either way, it was his idea first.) That pretty much sums up the way I feel, too. So here's to me and Hank, and to you and Bob, as the adventure continues.

[mh75.livejournal.com]

did you get something out of this about how to protect your current marriage?
I guess it seemed to me as though it was reasons for failure (some present from the beginning), but not as much ways to prevent failure.

(mmm... i agree about having to know how to fight. Its something J and I have worked on a lot. I probably also agree about seeking help earlier, although this is not entirely under my control, and a tough sell.)

What have you learned?