I just don't get it...
Feb. 13th, 2008 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mamagotchaI recently read a first-person description of an abused woman leaving her abuser, and her response to someone who had commented about how they don't understand how a victim can't just move out.
Twenty years ago, I was probably one of those clueless people who said exactly that. If I can ask for clemency: I believe I was being stupid, not callous. Since then, I've learned the stories of several of my mamafriends who have left abusive situations, and while I cannot ever properly empathize, I think I have a tiny smidge of understanding now. While I've never, thank the stars, been in a position like that, I have helped a woman escape.
She lived down the street. She'd had a homebirth around the same time I'd had mine, and we both had a few little guys running around. She'd drop by once in a while, the kids would play, we'd have tea and chat. She eventually mentioned, and then began describing, her abuse (jealous rages, death threats, beatings). Each time I offered to do what I could (not much, being broke, but I was willing to open my home to her and her kids). Each time she would then minimize the situation, saying she was blowing it out of perspective, that it wasn't so bad, she was just PMSing, whatever. Finally, one day, I became frustrated and told her: "Please, either stop telling me about this, or let me help you get out. I'm sorry, but I can't just listen anymore." She looked shocked, and stammered an apology for making me feel bad, and left. Then I really DID feel bad... did I now leave her with no one to talk to about this?
The next day, she called and said she was ready to leave, could she come stay with me while she made other housing arrangements? I watched her kids for a few days as she visited lawyers, the police, shelters, her boss... I was astounded. She must have been planning this for a while. It was a little dicey... she'd had to do a restraining order and we didn't know what would happen. Thankfully, as far as I know, he never came by (I don't think he had any clue she was there, and apparently it never occurred to him that she might be only a few doors away).
She called me a few years later: she'd finished her degree, and was running her own business in a large town two states away. The divorce was nasty and long, but she finally won custody of her kids and was now homeschooling them. She thanked me for my help and said that my intolerance of her situation helped her realize exactly how intolerable it really was. I was so glad to have, even inadvertently, catalyzed her escape.
It was a valuable education for me, but only now, years later, do I realize how dangerous it was.
I only hope, now that I have an inkling of how volatile these abusers can be, that I will still have both an opportunity and the courage to offer victims a safe harbor.
And I try not to say quite as many stupid things anymore, either.
Twenty years ago, I was probably one of those clueless people who said exactly that. If I can ask for clemency: I believe I was being stupid, not callous. Since then, I've learned the stories of several of my mamafriends who have left abusive situations, and while I cannot ever properly empathize, I think I have a tiny smidge of understanding now. While I've never, thank the stars, been in a position like that, I have helped a woman escape.
She lived down the street. She'd had a homebirth around the same time I'd had mine, and we both had a few little guys running around. She'd drop by once in a while, the kids would play, we'd have tea and chat. She eventually mentioned, and then began describing, her abuse (jealous rages, death threats, beatings). Each time I offered to do what I could (not much, being broke, but I was willing to open my home to her and her kids). Each time she would then minimize the situation, saying she was blowing it out of perspective, that it wasn't so bad, she was just PMSing, whatever. Finally, one day, I became frustrated and told her: "Please, either stop telling me about this, or let me help you get out. I'm sorry, but I can't just listen anymore." She looked shocked, and stammered an apology for making me feel bad, and left. Then I really DID feel bad... did I now leave her with no one to talk to about this?
The next day, she called and said she was ready to leave, could she come stay with me while she made other housing arrangements? I watched her kids for a few days as she visited lawyers, the police, shelters, her boss... I was astounded. She must have been planning this for a while. It was a little dicey... she'd had to do a restraining order and we didn't know what would happen. Thankfully, as far as I know, he never came by (I don't think he had any clue she was there, and apparently it never occurred to him that she might be only a few doors away).
She called me a few years later: she'd finished her degree, and was running her own business in a large town two states away. The divorce was nasty and long, but she finally won custody of her kids and was now homeschooling them. She thanked me for my help and said that my intolerance of her situation helped her realize exactly how intolerable it really was. I was so glad to have, even inadvertently, catalyzed her escape.
It was a valuable education for me, but only now, years later, do I realize how dangerous it was.
I only hope, now that I have an inkling of how volatile these abusers can be, that I will still have both an opportunity and the courage to offer victims a safe harbor.
And I try not to say quite as many stupid things anymore, either.
