Baja boy

[mamagotcha]

So Clay is off to Mexico, starting a 3-week (or longer) sailboat odyssey with one of my oldest friends, Jean, and her sweetie Dave (who was also a neighbor of mine when I was 8), on the two-masted ketch Exit Strategy (they keep a sailblog, in case you're curious).

I took him to the airport last night, and sniffled all the way home. He's grown so fast and so much in these last couple of years, but I still remember the sweet little boy who would snuggle in my lap for stories. Now he's off on his own big adventure. Then it occurred to me... I helped make this happen.

There have been a few times in my mothering career where I've just really moved hard and fast to take advantage of an opportunity for my kids. I heard about something and immediately I saw, in my heart, that it was something that kid NEEDED to be doing, and it was my job to facilitate it. It didn't happen too often... as a rule, my philosophy of homeschooling is more "get out of their way"... but when it did, I worked quick. And Clay's trip to Baja was one of those times.

Up until last week, I was feeling that this was going to be a Great Summer Adventure for him. Then... I read about Abby Sunderland, the 16-year-old girl who was circumnavigating solo, who was rescued after a day after setting off her distress signals. I wondered if we were going to see another Jessica Dubroff-style media frenzy (Jessica was a seven-year-old homeschooler attempting a cross-country tour who died when the plane she was piloting crashed... her teacher was blamed for pushing the take-off in bad weather to meet media pressure), but Abby was at least found alive, thank goodness. It turns out that Abby's parents had ties to some reality show deal, which brings up questions about her (and her parents') motivations, and the price of our culture's insatiable appetite for vicarious experiences.

On the one hand, I firmly believe that age shouldn't be a barrier to adventure and achievement. If a person has the ability and resources to attempt to reach a goal, then more power to them. But there is a widespread public perception of these kids being pushed by their parents (and, in Jessica's case, her teacher) and the media to go beyond their abilities in order to become the youngest pilot or sailor or whatever... and homeschoolers in particular are sometimes accused of a desire to push their kids to reflect well on the parents' commitment to alternative education; perhaps not as insidious a charge, but still a disturbing thought.

While I certainly don't think Clay will be in terrible danger, there's no denying that he is going to be cutting his nautical teeth on a pretty big project. All three crew members will be totally dependent on each other for their lives out there, and I'm trusting that he's got the maturity and ability to be responsible not only for himself, but for my friends and their beautiful boat. This isn't some tame sailing class out in Bodega Bay... he's doing the Baja Bash, a 750-mile "uphill" run notorious for rough water and difficult sailing.

I started to wonder about my own motivations here. Am I pushing Clay into something over his head, for bragging purposes, to show off what a great homeschooling family we are? But after I sat down with it for a while... I have to honestly answer, "no." I myself know next to nothing about sailing, and my two friends are serious pros. Not only are they both long-time sailors with great records, they both have long prior careers that were also very disciplined and safety-oriented (she was career military overseas, he was a commercial airline pilot). They posted to FaceBook about looking for a third crewmember for this leg of their trip, and I suggested the idea to Clay (who has always loved being in water in all forms)... he immediately jumped at it. When I broached the idea with my friends, however, they were both initially mildly negative about the idea, which was entirely understandable, what with him being so inexperienced. But after asking a lot of questions, and being very honest with Clay about what the trip was going to be like, the probable hardships ahead, the expectations of the jobs that would be required of him, and hearing that he still wanted to do it, they laid down a series of conditions that he had to meet to do the trip.

He met them all (with some help from his dad and me for things like legal papers), and now he's on the boat.

It was the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. He's where he's supposed to be, and it's going to be an amazing education for him. Maybe it will even steer what he's going to do with his life. But even if it doesn't, it will be an unforgettable step in his own coming-of-age story. Abby's accident made me falter and second-guess myself... but now I'm totally at peace with where he's at, and with my part in getting him there.

Yes, it's risky. Most of the really cool and interesting things we do carry risk, and some more than others. But I've seen him grow into his huge body... he has a grace and ability that really makes me question whether he's my own kid. He learns physical skills with alacrity and precision, and he has a lot of strength that he knows how to control. He's got a dose of teen bravado, but it masks a cautious and intelligent person underneath. He will be able to handle this, and I have faith that he is going to handle it very well.

He's in the right place, for the right reasons. Only Abby and her parents, and Jessica's mother, can honestly answer for their own decisions and actions... I'm certainly in no position to judge them. But I have seen my own kids' eyes light up with possibilities and excitement; I've watched them each rise to meet the challenges of chasing those dreams.

It's a tremendously joyful feeling, knowing that I was able to act as a catalyst in realizing their goals. And that joy, honestly, is the single best indicator to me that we are, indeed, on the right path.

Comments

[mh75.livejournal.com]

my philosophy of homeschooling is more "get out of their way"

yeah, i think thats a good goal to have, too. With a good dose, of, 'capitalize on their natural inclinations'.
i suppose getting Clay on that boat is the latter.

[(Anonymous)]

I think you are being a brave momma and letting him be free, maybe you had to nudge him to the edge of the nest a bit but he started flapping his wings when he got there. If not you would have pulled him back in right?
Its going to be a lovely adventure!

Kim

[keyne.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've thought this through carefully, and that you've decided it's still the right choice for everyone!

How old is Clay?

a parents gotta do...

[(Anonymous)]

It's funny, on one hand I feel this awe from afar that you were able to succeed as a parent in a way that I wasn't: homeschooling. (Details about my failings in that way are a topic for another time.)

On the other I feel such a closeness to your decision to give your kids the room to grow as people and learn to navigate the world based on their needs and strengths.

From up close or far away, I applaud your work. Nicely done, Mom.

Ginny Buccelli

http://visceralmusings.blogspot.com/

Modern Culture and Teenagers

[nplloquacious.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed reading your thoughts and when I reached the end, I was startled to read Clay was 16+. I don't know your family and expected to read an age of 8 or 9. In fact, I thought you were talking about Linc and, at first, was very impressed that a six-year-old was being allowed to work hard and face real danger, because the planet can be very dangerous and I think it is imperative that children know that. It helps the developing child learn an important fact of life: We are not all-powerful or all-important. And then it turns out that it is a teen, not Linc, who is going on this trip and yet I had the same reaction (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing out this long, long comment.)

You see, Katje, I think one of our biggest cultural problems is the infantilization of our teens. Sixteen? Clay is basically an adult now, an adult minus a lot of experience. How great for him that he will work hard, be away from his parent/s, and do something that is great because it requires him to be part of a team and be an adult.

If we don't start trusting our teens (meaning trusting that we, the parent/s, have done a good enough job teaching our youngsters how to be an adult) that teenager and twenty-somethings become just what we are seeing so frequently these days in America: lazy, dependent, rebellious, nasty, and drunk/addicted. When I imagine a 16-year-old just one hundred years ago, our current approach is failing miserably. In the very briefest of expression, in 1910, that teen could be working on a family farm, maybe be married, and a parent themselves, at least here in America. In other cultures around the world, it was equally the case... or more.

I am not talking about abuse here. I am talking of expectations in our primarily agrarian population. It was normal for children to be given serious responsibility very early on. It was expected that they could be relied on to do complex and difficult things. A family worked together to keep body and soul together. Child abuse is a different discussion. Here I am speaking of how a huge part of our then agrarian culture functioned.

In my home, I found that my kids were excited to be given responsibilities that were a hard for them to execute at first. I didn't have to yell or give a consequence if the task was not done perfectly (or at all) because I knew it was something that was too hard for them and I didn't give consequences anyway. (I did yell. I was not perfect as a parent.) Instead, a lot of what my kids did was at their request and so it was kind of a game. They loved trying to reach the goal. There was lots of, "No, I can do it myself," or "Is that right?" as they figures something out but they kept trying until they got it. I did not give them much help but if they wanted help or a boost, I was there.

Also, for me, it was one thing to expect that they might be able to cook scrambled eggs at age four or five, for instance, and another thing to expect them to keep their things in their bedroom at that age. The first was a challenge, the second, completely doable and necessary so I didn't go nuts. Both tasks were of help to the family as a whole. Anyway, I find it kind of shocking that Americans spank babies for crying but won't allow a ten-year-old to light a match. What is that? (And the spanking thing is a whole other discussion also that I'm not going into here. I hate that kids are punished for being kids.)

END PART ONE (LiveJournal says my post is too long, so I've broken it into two parts. Part Two next.

[zdamiana.livejournal.com]

I'm a bit hesitant to post this here while you have a son aboard a sailboat, but it's so pertinent that I'm having trouble keeping myself from doing it. I hope it doesn't cause you more worry as a mother than you would otherwise have while your son is sailing.

About two years before my mother met her present husband, his daughter died in a sailing accident. She was his only child, and he had raised her as a single father. It was, of course, a devastating loss for him. If she had lived, she would be a couple of years older than me.

She was in her early 20s when she died, an experienced sailor herself, sailing with other experienced sailors, able to swim, and wearing a life jacket. She went overboard in cold water, and the standard maneuver to get someone out of the water failed on the first couple of attempts. She died of hypothermia.

I recognize that, statistically, that sort of accident is unlikely, but having that sort of close personal connection to anecdotal data does seem to sensitize a person (and a family) to the risks of the particular activity where the accident happened. It gives me, personally, a gut reaction to the idea of sailing that is probably way out of proportion to the actual level of risk associated with the activity.

On the other hand, the particular circumstances of her accident bring into clear focus for me the fact that sailing is an inherently dangerous activity, even for experienced people sailing with other experienced people.

I don't encounter a lot of opportunities to ride in small watercraft, but when those occasional opportunities do arise, I hesitate - not primarily because I am worried about the risk myself (I probably take a bigger risk commuting to work in a car), but because I am particularly sensitive to how horrible it would be for my mother and stepfather to lose me (my mother's only child) in a boating accident, unlikely as that may be.

I don't have any children of my own, but I imagine that I would attempt to steer them away from sailing much more so than I would attempt to steer them away from comparably risky activities, because of that sensitization my family and I have.

I was pretty horrified when I heard about Abby Sunderland being feared lost at sea. Some part of that was the particular sensitization to the hazards of sailing, but when I think about it now, I think more of it has to do with a deep level of wariness I have about these 'youngest person to...' record setting attempts. I just don't believe that the recent string of more and more youthful solo sailing record setters that Abby was attempting to be part of is a coincidence. Each of them set out on that endeavor when they did partially in order to make that record attempt, not just because they happened to be the youngest person ever to be inspired to try it. There was a recent youngest person to summit Everest that has me worried about a similar race to be the youngest to do that. And, of course, it seems clear to me that those sorts of races to the youngest will inevitably lead to a tragedy. The more I think about it, the more I think that if I had a child passionate about sailing around the world, climbing Everest, or the like, I would likely not allow them to make that attempt until after it was too late for them to get that 'youngest' distinction. If the passion is that strong, it can wait a year or two, with plenty of other opportunities to gain experience in their area of passion in the meantime.