mamagotcha (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mamagotcha) wrote2010-06-14 11:38 pm
mamagotcha) wrote2010-06-14 11:38 pm
Entry tags:
Baja boy
So Clay is off to Mexico, starting a 3-week (or longer) sailboat odyssey with one of my oldest friends, Jean, and her sweetie Dave (who was also a neighbor of mine when I was 8), on the two-masted ketch Exit Strategy (they keep a sailblog, in case you're curious).
I took him to the airport last night, and sniffled all the way home. He's grown so fast and so much in these last couple of years, but I still remember the sweet little boy who would snuggle in my lap for stories. Now he's off on his own big adventure. Then it occurred to me... I helped make this happen.
There have been a few times in my mothering career where I've just really moved hard and fast to take advantage of an opportunity for my kids. I heard about something and immediately I saw, in my heart, that it was something that kid NEEDED to be doing, and it was my job to facilitate it. It didn't happen too often... as a rule, my philosophy of homeschooling is more "get out of their way"... but when it did, I worked quick. And Clay's trip to Baja was one of those times.
Up until last week, I was feeling that this was going to be a Great Summer Adventure for him. Then... I read about Abby Sunderland, the 16-year-old girl who was circumnavigating solo, who was rescued after a day after setting off her distress signals. I wondered if we were going to see another Jessica Dubroff-style media frenzy (Jessica was a seven-year-old homeschooler attempting a cross-country tour who died when the plane she was piloting crashed... her teacher was blamed for pushing the take-off in bad weather to meet media pressure), but Abby was at least found alive, thank goodness. It turns out that Abby's parents had ties to some reality show deal, which brings up questions about her (and her parents') motivations, and the price of our culture's insatiable appetite for vicarious experiences.
On the one hand, I firmly believe that age shouldn't be a barrier to adventure and achievement. If a person has the ability and resources to attempt to reach a goal, then more power to them. But there is a widespread public perception of these kids being pushed by their parents (and, in Jessica's case, her teacher) and the media to go beyond their abilities in order to become the youngest pilot or sailor or whatever... and homeschoolers in particular are sometimes accused of a desire to push their kids to reflect well on the parents' commitment to alternative education; perhaps not as insidious a charge, but still a disturbing thought.
While I certainly don't think Clay will be in terrible danger, there's no denying that he is going to be cutting his nautical teeth on a pretty big project. All three crew members will be totally dependent on each other for their lives out there, and I'm trusting that he's got the maturity and ability to be responsible not only for himself, but for my friends and their beautiful boat. This isn't some tame sailing class out in Bodega Bay... he's doing the Baja Bash, a 750-mile "uphill" run notorious for rough water and difficult sailing.
I started to wonder about my own motivations here. Am I pushing Clay into something over his head, for bragging purposes, to show off what a great homeschooling family we are? But after I sat down with it for a while... I have to honestly answer, "no." I myself know next to nothing about sailing, and my two friends are serious pros. Not only are they both long-time sailors with great records, they both have long prior careers that were also very disciplined and safety-oriented (she was career military overseas, he was a commercial airline pilot). They posted to FaceBook about looking for a third crewmember for this leg of their trip, and I suggested the idea to Clay (who has always loved being in water in all forms)... he immediately jumped at it. When I broached the idea with my friends, however, they were both initially mildly negative about the idea, which was entirely understandable, what with him being so inexperienced. But after asking a lot of questions, and being very honest with Clay about what the trip was going to be like, the probable hardships ahead, the expectations of the jobs that would be required of him, and hearing that he still wanted to do it, they laid down a series of conditions that he had to meet to do the trip.
He met them all (with some help from his dad and me for things like legal papers), and now he's on the boat.
It was the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. He's where he's supposed to be, and it's going to be an amazing education for him. Maybe it will even steer what he's going to do with his life. But even if it doesn't, it will be an unforgettable step in his own coming-of-age story. Abby's accident made me falter and second-guess myself... but now I'm totally at peace with where he's at, and with my part in getting him there.
Yes, it's risky. Most of the really cool and interesting things we do carry risk, and some more than others. But I've seen him grow into his huge body... he has a grace and ability that really makes me question whether he's my own kid. He learns physical skills with alacrity and precision, and he has a lot of strength that he knows how to control. He's got a dose of teen bravado, but it masks a cautious and intelligent person underneath. He will be able to handle this, and I have faith that he is going to handle it very well.
He's in the right place, for the right reasons. Only Abby and her parents, and Jessica's mother, can honestly answer for their own decisions and actions... I'm certainly in no position to judge them. But I have seen my own kids' eyes light up with possibilities and excitement; I've watched them each rise to meet the challenges of chasing those dreams.
It's a tremendously joyful feeling, knowing that I was able to act as a catalyst in realizing their goals. And that joy, honestly, is the single best indicator to me that we are, indeed, on the right path.
I took him to the airport last night, and sniffled all the way home. He's grown so fast and so much in these last couple of years, but I still remember the sweet little boy who would snuggle in my lap for stories. Now he's off on his own big adventure. Then it occurred to me... I helped make this happen.
There have been a few times in my mothering career where I've just really moved hard and fast to take advantage of an opportunity for my kids. I heard about something and immediately I saw, in my heart, that it was something that kid NEEDED to be doing, and it was my job to facilitate it. It didn't happen too often... as a rule, my philosophy of homeschooling is more "get out of their way"... but when it did, I worked quick. And Clay's trip to Baja was one of those times.
Up until last week, I was feeling that this was going to be a Great Summer Adventure for him. Then... I read about Abby Sunderland, the 16-year-old girl who was circumnavigating solo, who was rescued after a day after setting off her distress signals. I wondered if we were going to see another Jessica Dubroff-style media frenzy (Jessica was a seven-year-old homeschooler attempting a cross-country tour who died when the plane she was piloting crashed... her teacher was blamed for pushing the take-off in bad weather to meet media pressure), but Abby was at least found alive, thank goodness. It turns out that Abby's parents had ties to some reality show deal, which brings up questions about her (and her parents') motivations, and the price of our culture's insatiable appetite for vicarious experiences.
On the one hand, I firmly believe that age shouldn't be a barrier to adventure and achievement. If a person has the ability and resources to attempt to reach a goal, then more power to them. But there is a widespread public perception of these kids being pushed by their parents (and, in Jessica's case, her teacher) and the media to go beyond their abilities in order to become the youngest pilot or sailor or whatever... and homeschoolers in particular are sometimes accused of a desire to push their kids to reflect well on the parents' commitment to alternative education; perhaps not as insidious a charge, but still a disturbing thought.
While I certainly don't think Clay will be in terrible danger, there's no denying that he is going to be cutting his nautical teeth on a pretty big project. All three crew members will be totally dependent on each other for their lives out there, and I'm trusting that he's got the maturity and ability to be responsible not only for himself, but for my friends and their beautiful boat. This isn't some tame sailing class out in Bodega Bay... he's doing the Baja Bash, a 750-mile "uphill" run notorious for rough water and difficult sailing.
I started to wonder about my own motivations here. Am I pushing Clay into something over his head, for bragging purposes, to show off what a great homeschooling family we are? But after I sat down with it for a while... I have to honestly answer, "no." I myself know next to nothing about sailing, and my two friends are serious pros. Not only are they both long-time sailors with great records, they both have long prior careers that were also very disciplined and safety-oriented (she was career military overseas, he was a commercial airline pilot). They posted to FaceBook about looking for a third crewmember for this leg of their trip, and I suggested the idea to Clay (who has always loved being in water in all forms)... he immediately jumped at it. When I broached the idea with my friends, however, they were both initially mildly negative about the idea, which was entirely understandable, what with him being so inexperienced. But after asking a lot of questions, and being very honest with Clay about what the trip was going to be like, the probable hardships ahead, the expectations of the jobs that would be required of him, and hearing that he still wanted to do it, they laid down a series of conditions that he had to meet to do the trip.
He met them all (with some help from his dad and me for things like legal papers), and now he's on the boat.
It was the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. He's where he's supposed to be, and it's going to be an amazing education for him. Maybe it will even steer what he's going to do with his life. But even if it doesn't, it will be an unforgettable step in his own coming-of-age story. Abby's accident made me falter and second-guess myself... but now I'm totally at peace with where he's at, and with my part in getting him there.
Yes, it's risky. Most of the really cool and interesting things we do carry risk, and some more than others. But I've seen him grow into his huge body... he has a grace and ability that really makes me question whether he's my own kid. He learns physical skills with alacrity and precision, and he has a lot of strength that he knows how to control. He's got a dose of teen bravado, but it masks a cautious and intelligent person underneath. He will be able to handle this, and I have faith that he is going to handle it very well.
He's in the right place, for the right reasons. Only Abby and her parents, and Jessica's mother, can honestly answer for their own decisions and actions... I'm certainly in no position to judge them. But I have seen my own kids' eyes light up with possibilities and excitement; I've watched them each rise to meet the challenges of chasing those dreams.
It's a tremendously joyful feeling, knowing that I was able to act as a catalyst in realizing their goals. And that joy, honestly, is the single best indicator to me that we are, indeed, on the right path.
Modern Culture and Teenagers PART TWO
I recently re-watched Master and Commander which sort of shows life on an early 19th century British war ship. Midshipmen were young, really young... maybe nine to twelve... and they would learn how to take the ship's position (involving math and mechanics) or how manage a crew to load a canon. A sixteen-year-old would be given tasks like leading men into battle, fighting hand-to-hand themselves, dying, suffering amputation... Imagine. A talented teen might even be given command of their own ship. Not exactly World of Warfare and a joint.
I use that Hollywood fiction merely to offer an easy way to see how the people we call children today (at sixteen? really?) were treated in that era and culture and the expectations that were put upon them a mere two centuries ago.
The thing is, this treat-a-teen like a six-year-old thing is so very modern, so recent, as to be downright scary when seen in light of the history of human culture -- around the world. I do not think there is another culture today that infantilizes their teens to the extent that the USA does and I think we are losing our guts and our drive in the process. It takes a certain toughness to face the hardships and tragedies that happen in a life. We are doing our children no favors by forcing them to be children when they are actually young adults.
It needs to stop. We need to teach our children much, much better at home, no matter what kind of school they attend, how to be an adult. Teens need their parents to guide and assist them as they learn how to cope with the real problems of adulthood like money, jobs, sex, taxes, legalities, relationships, budgeting, and so much more. Much as anyone might wish for a world of peace and harmony, our children do grow up to live in a world that is anything but that.
Nor do we do them any service by protecting them from any hurt, injury, or disappointment as they grow up or by refusing them access to answers. How do I learn how to deal with problems if I am never allowed to have any?
I hope Clay has a phenomenal time with all sorts of experiences that range from really hard work and challenge to pure joy and pleasure. That is what we can have when we know it is there for us. We cannot know what we do not know and how do we discover what we do not know? I think it is by taking risks and trusting our kids because we trust ourselves as parents.
Sorry for the length but you really did trigger all of this. Thanks again.
Re: Modern Culture and Teenagers PART TWO
I presume you are already familiar with John Holt's "Escape from Childhood," and Grace Llewellyn's "Teenage Liberation Handbook." A little bit of surfing last night showed me that, unsurprisingly, Jessica Dubroff's mother shares this view, also.
It's entirely likely I would have encouraged Clay to follow this opportunity had it presented itself several years ago... it just hadn't. One of his speeches this year in college (he's been attending since 13) was the injustice of ageism (at both ends of the spectrum); he argued that responsibility and privilege should be given with demonstration of ability, not merely number of days lived.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Re: Modern Culture and Teenagers PART TWO