mamagotcha (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mamagotcha) wrote2009-07-29 09:44 am
mamagotcha) wrote2009-07-29 09:44 am
On mood-altering meds
I used up most of my last bottle of Provigil in the week before my mother's memorial service, June 22. I haven't refilled the prescription in months; I was just using it rarely to help me through a day where I'd had no sleep the night before and needed to drive or deal with other people's kids or some other challenge. I used it every day for that last week in California... it saved my life, and probably a few other lives as well. When I got home, I was down to three pills, and decided to put them away for now and save them for an emotionally rainy day.
A month later, I was facing the flight up to Chicago and the stress of finding a place for us to live within a set of pretty strict parameters. I was also feeling thrashed and like I hadn't really recovered from my mom's death (well, I know that's going to take time; I don't feel bad that it's taking a while, but on the other hand it's not very convenient right now, either). I was missing appointments, crying a lot, descending into rage for relatively minor things... I was worried that I was falling into a depression.
The glitch is that we're currently in kind of a health insurance limbo. The coverage from Bill's old job quit when they moved him onto consultant status at the beginning of July, and the new job's insurance starts in September when he officially begins to teach. The old job did give us enough to pay for COBRA coverage, but we wanted to try to see if we could get through these two months without buying COBRA so we could use that money to help us move (paying rent on two places at once, the deposit on the new place, my scouting trip to Chicago, the moving truck... about six grand all told, and that's on top of our regular expenses. Hey, let's add unexpected vet bills to the pile!).
So I felt kind of pressured (NOT by Bill, I must insist, but by our circumstances) to see if I could get through these months without any huge medical expenses. Fortunately, if something big comes up, COBRA can be enrolled in retroactively, so we ARE covered. But if we could hold off... well, it would help us get over the hump.
I asked my doctor if I could just buy some Provigil and Paxil out of pocket. The Paxil was relatively cheap -- I think it was $34 for a month's worth -- so I said sure, let's get that going and see if it helps with the depression symptoms. The Provigil was a little more of a problem; I asked for ten day's worth of them (at the 200mg -- and more expensive -- dose; the 100 didn't do much for me), and it was well over $100. I figured I'd just use them for the harder days, and go on the Paxil to cover the basic blues.
I took the Paxil the day before I left for Chicago, and on the first day there. Both days were full of nausea and headaches, and I needed to be ON for that trip, so I decided to stop those for the moment, and just dip into my tiny stash of Provigil until I got home. Well, ALL my symptoms disappeared as soon as I took the Provigil (and I also had a period starting the day I got there, which could have meant that a bunch of my problems were hormonal... perimenopausal PMS is a BITCH).
So... it's pretty clear to me that I need to keep on the Provigil for now, at least to get me through the move. Hey, look... I'm not the first person to think of using Provigil as an anti-depressant. My problem? Feeling guilty about using our family's limited resources to buy happy pills. Bill DID try to explain the health insurance situation to me before it lapsed, and so if I'd thought the thing through, I COULD have loaded up on the stupid pills BEFORE it ended. But it just totally did not sink in... well, to be fair, I WAS dealing with my mom's death and not thinking about the future at all. Still, it's plain to see that it's my own damned fault for not stocking up ahead of time, and the whole "made your bed, lie in it" mentality is making me feel like I should try to tough it out instead of spending more money on this.
I think we will go ahead and get more... I can't even imagine finishing packing up the house feeling the way I do without the Provigil, and I know I'm a much more pleasant person to have around when I'm on it. There's just a stupid little voice in my head, saying things like "If you were healthy... if you weren't so fat... if you only planned ahead... you could deal with this without medication. You wouldn't be in this financial bind. You're broken, you're stupid, you're disorganized and lazy and a bad mom and a rotten friend and a mean wife and let's not forget the worst dog owner in the world. What a waste of money, just to get you jolly pills."
I guess I'm not really looking for advice... just sort of hoping that by writing this out, I can bolster myself, give a little validation to my sense that this really IS a hard year, that ANYONE, even Martha Stewart or Oprah Winfrey or Michelle Obama or freakin' Mother Theresa would have a rough time with the year we've been having, and that spending a few bucks on a medication that helps me cope doesn't mean I'm going to be on it the rest of my life, or that I'm excessively selfish for spending money on it.
A month later, I was facing the flight up to Chicago and the stress of finding a place for us to live within a set of pretty strict parameters. I was also feeling thrashed and like I hadn't really recovered from my mom's death (well, I know that's going to take time; I don't feel bad that it's taking a while, but on the other hand it's not very convenient right now, either). I was missing appointments, crying a lot, descending into rage for relatively minor things... I was worried that I was falling into a depression.
The glitch is that we're currently in kind of a health insurance limbo. The coverage from Bill's old job quit when they moved him onto consultant status at the beginning of July, and the new job's insurance starts in September when he officially begins to teach. The old job did give us enough to pay for COBRA coverage, but we wanted to try to see if we could get through these two months without buying COBRA so we could use that money to help us move (paying rent on two places at once, the deposit on the new place, my scouting trip to Chicago, the moving truck... about six grand all told, and that's on top of our regular expenses. Hey, let's add unexpected vet bills to the pile!).
So I felt kind of pressured (NOT by Bill, I must insist, but by our circumstances) to see if I could get through these months without any huge medical expenses. Fortunately, if something big comes up, COBRA can be enrolled in retroactively, so we ARE covered. But if we could hold off... well, it would help us get over the hump.
I asked my doctor if I could just buy some Provigil and Paxil out of pocket. The Paxil was relatively cheap -- I think it was $34 for a month's worth -- so I said sure, let's get that going and see if it helps with the depression symptoms. The Provigil was a little more of a problem; I asked for ten day's worth of them (at the 200mg -- and more expensive -- dose; the 100 didn't do much for me), and it was well over $100. I figured I'd just use them for the harder days, and go on the Paxil to cover the basic blues.
I took the Paxil the day before I left for Chicago, and on the first day there. Both days were full of nausea and headaches, and I needed to be ON for that trip, so I decided to stop those for the moment, and just dip into my tiny stash of Provigil until I got home. Well, ALL my symptoms disappeared as soon as I took the Provigil (and I also had a period starting the day I got there, which could have meant that a bunch of my problems were hormonal... perimenopausal PMS is a BITCH).
So... it's pretty clear to me that I need to keep on the Provigil for now, at least to get me through the move. Hey, look... I'm not the first person to think of using Provigil as an anti-depressant. My problem? Feeling guilty about using our family's limited resources to buy happy pills. Bill DID try to explain the health insurance situation to me before it lapsed, and so if I'd thought the thing through, I COULD have loaded up on the stupid pills BEFORE it ended. But it just totally did not sink in... well, to be fair, I WAS dealing with my mom's death and not thinking about the future at all. Still, it's plain to see that it's my own damned fault for not stocking up ahead of time, and the whole "made your bed, lie in it" mentality is making me feel like I should try to tough it out instead of spending more money on this.
I think we will go ahead and get more... I can't even imagine finishing packing up the house feeling the way I do without the Provigil, and I know I'm a much more pleasant person to have around when I'm on it. There's just a stupid little voice in my head, saying things like "If you were healthy... if you weren't so fat... if you only planned ahead... you could deal with this without medication. You wouldn't be in this financial bind. You're broken, you're stupid, you're disorganized and lazy and a bad mom and a rotten friend and a mean wife and let's not forget the worst dog owner in the world. What a waste of money, just to get you jolly pills."
I guess I'm not really looking for advice... just sort of hoping that by writing this out, I can bolster myself, give a little validation to my sense that this really IS a hard year, that ANYONE, even Martha Stewart or Oprah Winfrey or Michelle Obama or freakin' Mother Theresa would have a rough time with the year we've been having, and that spending a few bucks on a medication that helps me cope doesn't mean I'm going to be on it the rest of my life, or that I'm excessively selfish for spending money on it.
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