mamagotcha: (bonk!)
[personal profile] mamagotcha
Three couples I know and really like, all committed homeschoolers with great kids, are in the middle of breaking up. It's taking a pretty big chunk out of me and I'm surprised... I guess because I'm apprehensive due to what happened to me, and I'd hate to see anything like that happen with them (if anyone out there wants the condensed Readers-Digest version of my story, let me know and I'll post it).

It's a normal, natural thing, to move apart when the relationship has dissolved. I never thought of my marriage as "failed" but rather as "ended." And still, I'm feeling grief and loss over the ending of these three marriages.

I don't know why this has hit me so hard. I'm feeling pretty emotional about some other things, too. Some parents I know think it's OK to let their kids (in this case, the kids are under 12, in some cases WAY under 12) play a horror game that I believe is much too disturbing, possibly even for some adults, much less children. And I am feeling really judgy and angry at them for blithely tossing away their kids' innocence. They'll have decades to do crazy, scary stuff... why rush it? And especially when they are in their formative, vulnerable years? But it's not my job to police what other parents do... and I'd be extremely defensive if anyone came at me about one of MY parenting decisions like this. But but but! Studies show secondary trauma is just as damaging as if it happens in person to kids! Kids can't create those boundaries themselves! It's part of a kid's nature to blur the lines between pretend and reality! WHY does it matter so much to me that these parents are making a different choice than I am?

I don't know. And I think the grief over my friends' break-ups and my grief over my friends' kids' nightmares are somehow related. If everybody would just LISTEN TO ME, everything would be OK! (/delusion)

Bah. So. How are YOU doing? Tell me something good that's going on in your life. I will do my best to curb my judgypants and celebrate your happy things with you!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalmn.livejournal.com
Our dossier is logged in in China. Too hard to explain, but trust me that that's good news and progress.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 06:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamagotcha.livejournal.com
Congratulations and fingers crossed! :D

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elainetyger.livejournal.com
There were 2 recent breakups -- one a facebook friend I met once at a hobby convention (not puzzles), and the other a facebook friend I've never met -- whose drama hit me harder than it should have, considering the level of friendship. The one, however, hit too close to my own marital breakup of 4-5 years ago. She and her husband were away over the spring all over England celebrating their silver anniversary. Then in September they had a joint facebook announcement that their 25-year project was a success and at an end. Then a couple weeks later, she started posting the real story, that (like my ex) he decided he didn't want to be married to her anymore. She was as shocked at the news as I had been, plus she seems to be far more in love than I was with my ex. I can't tell her that the loneliness or despair just goes away. It takes time and effort.

People will not listen to good sense. Christ, the people I talk to at work get fined hundreds of dollars for not listening to me, and yet they often still don't listen. What chance do you have without any such hammer?

I guess the good news is that I feel happy to be alive almost every hour of almost every day. Most of this change for the better happened after I made a conscious decision to stop looking for a partner and to be my own partner put the same level of effort into getting to know myself and loving myself that I would put into a new boyfriend. I used to think that if I did this, I would be conceding defeat and failure in the relationship arena, and I would be just another sad lonely older woman, but I'm better at not negatively grasping at these thoughts. There is admittedly a great deal of pretending and talking to myself as coping mechanisms sometimes, but I'm getting better at being able to make the good feelings feel real and become real.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 06:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamagotcha.livejournal.com
That is good news indeed! I need to get to work on the pretending and being my own best cheerleader.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 08:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jedusor.livejournal.com
I'm really glad to hear that last part!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 08:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jedusor.livejournal.com
Aw man. Sorry to hear that about the breakups. You mentioned one to me on Sunday--are the others anyone I know?

Good things! My body is a wound-healing rock star and I haven't felt a single twinge since the followup doc visit on Tuesday morning. I've been doing a lot of outlining and thinking about this sci-fi story I'm working on, and I feel really good about it. Saturday I'm doing an Avatar marathon with my friends Kes and Brynn on Kes's giant wall projector screen, and we're going to get drunk and eat dark chocolate and fruit and coo at Appa and it's going to be marvelous. I started getting a head start on Christmas shopping. A good friend of mine just passed the Foreign Service Officer Test, and I'm really happy for her. I feel like I've made several great breakthroughs recently with the kids I watch in terms of behavior and communication, teaching them skills for dealing with difficult situations that seem to be actually sticking and making their (and my) lives easier. I just bought a really comfy nerdy T-shirt with a pixellated Coyotes logo on it and I'm excited about wearing it for the first time. Oh, I skated yesterday! It had been about a week and a half of life and health preventing me from making it to the rink. It just constantly amazes me how good skating is for me--it feels like the physical effects of a hot tub (relaxing me and straightening out my posture) combined with this intense focus on the moment (it's been 7 months and I haven't yet hit a mental stressor that didn't vanish on the ice). I am so grateful that I have the financial and geographical capability to make skating a regular part of my life, and I'm currently feeling pretty damn grateful for the physical capability itself.

There, how's that for happy? Not everything is perfect, but overall life is going pretty dang well at the moment. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-07 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamagotcha.livejournal.com
That is indeed a lot of happy! Thanks for sharing your good news, and HOORAY for healing! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-13 07:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mh75.livejournal.com
Argh. I'm sorry I didn't answer this earlier. Somehow my LJ feed got turned off for a while.

anyway, *hugs*.

I've also been feeling on the edge lately. The time change almost always knocks me out for a while. I'm choosing to feel like that is it for now, and assume I'll feel more stable in a little while.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-13 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamagotcha.livejournal.com
Maybe it was the time change, I didn't think about that. I just felt SO ANNOYED with EVERYTHING for a few days, but I think I've moved past the homicidal stage. Thanks for your kind words!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-13 09:32 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I always feel like my world is ending. It took me a lot if years to remember it wasn't permanent.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-11-14 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mamagotcha.livejournal.com
Hi! Not sure who this is, but thanks for the comment, and glad that perspective has proven a good thing in your life!

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